Pilot script for a green-lit broadband show for NBC.com.
5 Worst: Sean Connery Films
He's a six-foot-two, Academy Award-packing, starlet-macking Knight of the British Empire, and his sexy Scottish burr sticks a thistle in the knickers of grannies and bonny young lasses the world over. With cred like that under his kilt, you'd think that Sean Connery would have a license to kill at the box office. Well, you can never say never – even the original James Bond isn't untouchable when it comes to making the occasional mulligan picking movie roles.
Just sit back, and hold onto your haggis, while we count down the five flicks Sir Sean should have just said Dr. No to.
Number 5: Shalako
Take a pinch of international sex kitten Bridget Bardot, a dash of Honor Blackman (a.k.a. James Bond beauty "Pussy Galore"), stir 'em up with a couple of shots of a just-post-Bond Sean against a Western backdrop, and you've got a recipe for one sour Shalako.
Connery clearly was hoping that trading his super-spy tux for a ten-gallon in this Louis L'Amour potboiler about an upper-class Euro-twit hunting party's scuffle with some cheesed-off Native Americans would cleanse movie goers' palates. Too bad for Sean, this spoiled mess just left them thirsting for a stiff belt of Bond.
Too bad they got an asteroid belt…
Number 4: Meteor
Connery's hopes that this 1979 disaster flick about an earth-bound meteor would rock his fans' worlds came crashing down as soon as the reviews rolled in. This Cold War clunker boasted an all-star cast, but the special effects bombed out, along with the deadweight dialogue.
[MOVIE CLIP – CONNERY: “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? STICK A BROOM UP MY ARSE AND SWEEP THE FLOOR ON MY WAY OUT?”]
Uh, thanks for the offer, Sean. Do you do windows?
And now we're off to…
Number 3: Zardoz
Phew! What IS that smell? Could it be from the cheese at the center of this bizarro John Boorman sci-fi epic? Maybe it's coming from Sean's red plastic diaper. Either way, seeing our hairy-backed, gun-wielding hero sport thigh-high boots and a Selleck-worthy moustache, while he's worshipping a stone head named "Zardoz" and resisting futuristic porn is enough to make the most dedicated Connery fan want to hold their nose and phone home. Pronto.
Just make sure you don't dial up…
Number 2: Highlander 2: The Quickening
According to fans of the original, and far superior, Highlander, this sequel was more like a "slackening." In a 2003 poll, moviegoers ranked Sean Connery as having the worst film accents of all time, so it's no surprise that his Spanish Immortal, Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez sounded like he'd just come in from a wee gambol on the glens. But aye, me laddie – for 3.5 million dollars, couldn't ye at least give it the old Scottish try? Luckily for sci-fi buffs, Connery's character lost his head – literally – so the Highlander franchise was spared a repeat under-performance, but Sir Sean himself lived on to take his revenge on…
Number 1: The Avengers
Lovers of the original Emma Peel cringed in their catsuits. The vast majority of American moviegoers just scratched their heads and said "huh?" to this sloppy big-screen treatment of a little-seen Brit TV cult classic. Connery fogged it up even further as Sir August de Wynter, a maniacal meteorologist attempting to control the weather [MOVIE CLIP – CONNERY: “RAIN OR SHINE – IT’S ALL MINE!”]. Get it? He's controlling the WEATHER! And his name is WINTER! Ah ha ha ha…
Seriously, though – the film's flaws just snowball from there, earning The Avengers a Razzie for the Worst Remake of 1998, and our vote for the worst misstep of Sean Connery's generally excellent career.
And that's our countdown of the five worst Sean Connery films. Think we were too hard on Highlander? Upset we let "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen" off the hook? Visit our website and weigh in with your best and worst.
For "Five Worst," I'm _____
A wee rant that'll be in an upcoming Maxim.
The agony of your stanky-ass feet.
Gents, your puppies are ugly. Doesn't matter how much you've
gotten 'em buffed, scrubbed, clipped, shaved, or, Baal help us,
polished at Pierre's House 'o Pedis. Men's feet are ugly buggers,
and no one needs to be seeing 'em in public.
"But...but...but...my pwecious COMFORT!" you're mewling. "You
women get to go all open-toed and be comfortable in the summertime
and..." Heel, boy. Stop right there, and imagine if your
coal-mining, assembly-line-working, trench-digging, cow-milking
grandpappy heard you whining for your right to wear mandals. Yup -
not pretty.
Furthermore, dude, it ain't women who are making up the majority
of foot fetishists. We chicks put up with looking at your nasty
Hobbit hooves AT ALL, just because we don't want shoeprints all
over the sheets or the shower, and your socks are pretty much just
sweat tampons. If we're so avidly grossed out by your pudrid paws,
why must you keep waddling about in fungus-steeped flip-flops and
(I'm puking as I type) Tevas not just at home, but also in eating
establishments, public transportation, and, like, ostensibly
"nice" places?
Stop, seriously. Please. For the children. Well - not like you
have to worry about having any of *those* if you keep showing off
your gnome-like toes. I'm not just posturing here - I actually
refused sex to an ex if he maintained possession of his
Birkinstocks. Sure, I had to stock up on C-cells for about a week,
but down the trash chute they went.
As for your point about we women and our open-toed comfort - ya
ever happened to notice that those open toes are sling mere inches
from a multi-inch stiletto? Or consider that no matter how buoyant
our lovely bazooms might be, we've sometimes gotta cantilever 'em
up? Tell ya what - you spend an entire summer month with
underwires attempting to circuit into your spongy bits, and you
prancing around on your tiptoes and and I *might* lend you your
espadrilles back.