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The Empire Strikes Back!
Remember
that little
tirade about the Beastie Boys that was occupying this space
about four months ago? Yeah, well, me neither. But not so for
a lot of Beastie-obsessed kids.
Now,
you'd think even a 13-year-old would read that thing and realize
my tongue was so far in my cheek that the back of my brain was
getting damp, but apparently even the obvious tip-offs--the Mike
D and Screech being related thing, the Hornblower hatred, the
part at the end where I say it was all a joke--all these
escaped the kids
Following
are some of the responses I recieved, ranging from the secretly
concurring to the unnervingly intolerant to the downright stupid
I
taught the kids at the Hamilton
Fish Courts to respect my defense, and I'll offer the same
schooling to any internet-obsessed pubescent sheep who dare to
throw their illiterate insults my way. Because, as my horoscope
said last week, nobody fucks with Scorpio....
From:
mccoll
...and I thought I was the only one who thinks they are shit!(I
don't mean that in the good way, either)
From:
Jerimiah
I liked your Beastie Boys piece, even if I didn't agree with all
of it. You picked all their weak and/or overexposed points, and
did it with style and flair. If you're going to pan someone, especially
if you like them, you may as well do it with style.
Oh, BTW, you'll probably get slammed from the Beastie
Boys mailing list, some rather vitrolic fans are getting themselves
all frothed up over this.
Lissa Responds:
Thanks. I'm still getting pros and cons
about this thing far, far after the fact. At this point the positives
are outgunning the negatives by at least 3 to 1, but if the Beastie
mafia is going to start knee-jerking at me, that ratio may change.
And, oh boy, am I frightened…
From:
ErnestJ
I am a fan of the Beasties and everything you said was mean and
Mike and the guy from "Saved By the Bell" are not related. I think
HN is one of the greatest albums ever and so they changed, you
can't expect them to stay the way they were before! Mike and Adam
Y. are married if you must know. If you do not like the beasties
then why tell every other beastie fan like me. We don't need to
hear you whine about why you hate the B-Boys.
Lissa
Responds:
Did I specifically tell you? Did I go to
your house in the middle of the night and scream in your face?
Did I send it to you? Did I put this up on the Beastie worldwide
spam? No. I didn't. I had an opinion and one day I decided to
express it, just for the hell of it. Please forgive me for daring
to disagree with you. It was wrong to speak my opinions where
those who think otherwise might hear them. From now on, I will
only say things that I know absolutely everyone will agree with.
In a world with many problems, you and your brethren are wise
to focus your outrage, to spend your time and energy on silencing
all those who would dare to question the absolute supremacy of
the Beastie Boys.
Listen, you like them, fine. I don't anymore. And we both have
the right to say so.
From:
Dkerschc
Some guy posted some letter about why you think the beastie boys
are washups or something like that. I'm not really interested
in that, You have your views and I have mine and I'm not writing
to tell you how right or wrong you are. that is inconsequential
to me. I am writing because I bet some kid whether you call carbonated
beverages such as coke, sprite, Mr. pibb, mountain dew, etc. "pop",
"soda", or just "coke." Down here in Texas we call it "coke."
I am being completely serious when I ask and would appreciate
a reply.
Lissa Responds
Thank you for not knee-jerking. Strange
how one dissenting opinion on something as really, essentially
insignificant as a band gets people all riled up and cussing and
spamming. Geez.
Anyway,
as to your question about the carbonated beverage, all three terms
are used, depending. It's most commonly referred to as soda, as
it is all along the East Coast. However, in Western Pennsylvania,
where I have a lot of family out on the farm, they call it "pop,"
which, I believe is a Midwest thing.
From: Dkerschc
I actually agreed with most the things you said. I just wanted
to know about certain drinks. Want to here a funny story? You
won't answer so I will tell you anyway. I'm from Houston, Tx.
I enjoy drinking the soda pop known as Coca-Cola.
I go to school and play on the internet alot. I like the Beastie
Boys so i went to there home
page. Signed up for what I thought was a mailing list for
shows, tour dates, new releases, and things of that category.
It turned out that it is a silly chat room (mailing list) with
people that have too much interest in the Beastie Boys. I like
the Beastie Boys, but i did not expect this. I get at least 200
e-mails a day about how Ione Skye and Ad Rock have broken up and
What is MCA going to name his kid. I did not know he had a kid.
I did not care. I tried to unsubscribe 1001 times. The commands
did not work. I eventually gave up.
Thanks
for the input into your feelings on the Beastie Boys. I enjoy
their music up until their latest album, which like you say, does
resemble some fusion jazz. Some dude I worked with asked if the
album is any good when I had first heard it.(This is pointless
info. but it sets the story up: He is black, I am white) I told
him it was not that good and that he ought not buy it. I told
him how my vegan
brother had won the C.D. and that is the closest I will ever be
to owning it. He asked what was wrong with it. I told him how
it just showed that they were getting old, like how before Larry
Bird retired it was obvious he needed to end it. I told him I
still respect earlier Beastie ventures but this was not up to
par. I told him that they weren't flowing and all that info. He
said very bluntly " Do they rap like white people" and I just
looked at him like what the fuck is he talking about. They are
white, that is what you'll get from every single song they have
written. My friend thought it was almost a racial thing. I didn't
really care, but thought it was a silly thing to ask. Did Larry
Bird play ball like he was white towards the end of his career?
From:
Dbeuttenmuller
Hmmm... that's a nice opinion. But tell me, if Beastie Boys are
sooooo comercial, how come I hardly ever hear their music on the
radio. Quit dissin' them and start with Shania Twain and Celine
Dion, at least the Beasties write their own rhymes.
Lissa Responds:
If the Beastie Boys aren't commercial, why
are they at the top of the charts? It's all about the dollar bill
y'all: you sell records, you're commercial, end of story. And
they were all over the radio when the record came out, but "Hello
Nasty" isn't chock full of catchy singles, unlike some previous
Beastie albums, which had enough hooks to empty a trout pond.
As far as going after Celine
Dion and Shania Twain…. Well, why don't I go enlighten the
world to the fact that war is bad and you shouldn't hit old people
and brussel sprouts taste bad? You're the second person to tell
me I should've picked on Celinestopheles
instead-which is exactly the point I'm trying to make, in a way.
Why should we only be allowed to complain about things that we've
agreed everyone is against? What is this "thou shalt not question
the eternal superiority of the Beastie Boys" shit?
As far as writing their own rhymes, well, "yes, yes ya'll, yes
yes y'all, I'm always on time nevertheless y'all" isn't exactly
high-concept. They used to be hilarious, but now I keep feeling
like I've heard that one before-the same references to coconut
lotion and pop culture that were on the last album, or even the
last song.
Final word: the Beasties asking Prodigy never to play his retarded
little "Smack My Bitch" song again continues their disturbing
trip down the path of self-righteousness. As if now that they've
moved along and matured, no one else is allowed to be as young
and foolish and mildly offensive as they once were? C'mon.…
From: Dbeuttenmuller
It may be because the
Beastie Boys have a lot of dedicated fans. acctually the album
is now No. 16, and the single peaked at 28, hardly top of the
charts. So if the single wasn't well recieved, why did the album
top the charts? Either some people understand that 'popular' doesn't
mean good music, or they already have a wide fan base. While it's
probably the second reason, I'd like to believe that the reason
they have a large fan base is because people know they won't bow
to public opinion (at least since Liscensed 2 Ill). People know
they will continually put out good music.
I agree that Hello Nasty does not have as many catchy songs as
some of their other albums, but they have more than most other
artists. On this album I only like 15 out of the 22 tracks--pretty
bad for a beastie boys album, but pretty good for any other artist.
I don't know many artists that even put 15 tracks on their album.
I never said I thought the Beastie Boys were perfect, just above
average. Acctually I get sick when I listen to '3 MCs & 1 DJ.'
I can hardly listen to Licensed to Ill anymore because their music
was so commercial and self-centered then.
Point taken about the humor. they aren't as silly as they used
to be...they are more serious, but I like both sides. Point taken
about Prodigy too.
I agree it was stupid of them to do that. I do not see how they
are self-righteous though. Cause when we're gettin down we are
all equal There's no better or worse between you and me"-taken
straight from Hello Nasty. Just because they 'found religion'
and they're now more positive doesn't mean they're self-righteous.
Man I wish there was more good positive rap out there, but until
then I'll have to keep listening to B-boys, Run DMC, old LL
Cool J, and Public Enemy.
Lissa
Responds:
Try the Black Star album. It's good like
that.
From:
JoshT
I THINK WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT THE BOYS IS ALL COMPLETE CRAP. I
KNOW THAT THAT IS YOU JOB BUT GO A LITTLE EASY ON THEM, THEY HAVE
BEEN AROUND FOR 16 YRS. IF YOU ARE AROUND IN THE PUBLIC EYE FOR
THAT LONG THEN WE CAN TALK. PEACE OUT.
Lissa
Responds:
I appreciate your comparative restraint.
The last of these many message was from someone who said, in all
seriousness "If you do not like the Beasties then why tell every
other Beastie fan like me." As if I'm the one who's spamming you
guys with this. And as if I shouldn't be permitted to express
this opinion aloud. I got tired of the endless praise, decided
to say so, and, considering the topic, figured it was proper to
go a little over the top. Oh well. Peace back.
From:
BgirlFresh
I read your review on Hello Nasty and while I did agree with some
of the stuff you said, I must point out that you have some of
your facts wrong. About the magazine cover thing...well what star
HAVEN'T you seen on the cover of all the mags? Whenever a star
has a new movie/album whatever, they blow up on the covers. I
have seen more covers with Leonardo
DeCapinyourass and the damn Backstreet
Boys than I have ever seen of the beastie boys in their entire
career.
Another point of your misinformation....Yauch has been doing the
Nathaniel Hornblower thing since the Check Your Head days and
you speak of it as if its a new thing. And yet another example
of your miseducation: Dustin (screech)
is NOT and was not EVER mike d's brother. Damn, where do authors
do their research these days? I guess it's no longer a prerequisite
to know what you are talking about before you write an article
on it.
I would have been willing to take some of your oppinions into
consideration if you had done your research. But, since it is
clear that you have no idea what you are talking about, I disregard
anything else you said about them in your misinformed article.
Next time, study up on the subject you are writing about before
you criticize it.
Lissa
goes out for a cigarette, wonders for the 80th time today why
anyone cares, and finally responds:
I knew the Hornblower thing had been around
since "Check Your Head," but maybe I should've clarified that.
And the Mike D./Screech thing was supposed to be a joke. Like
so much of the rest of it. Which many people don't seem to be
getting. I can't believe I did this in a few hours months ago
just for laughs and people are still jocking me on it…
From: BgirlFresh
Aight then, I am sorry...thanks for responding, yo! Peace.
From:
MONeill
You know - I might have taken you a little more seriously if you
hadn't gotten your information from SPIN and THE ROLLING STONE--maybe
I would have even respected them had they been original and not
so lame--Do you need attention? Have you created this stupid website
to give yourself some kind of a pretend ego--YOU ARE WEIRD. What's
wrong with someone correcting their behavior to contribute to
humanity? Oh, Its not in America - how can you judge where the
acts of kindness take place--It's alot better than your negative,
dorky webpage. GET A LIFE. You fit the stereo typical 90's persona
of trying to be different--GOOD JOB--you've accomplished your
goal. So, was this your good deed of the day? Preach what you
teach.
Lissa
wonders what a "stereo typical" trying to be different
thing is and what does "preach what you teach" mean,
exactly? Gives up. Responds:
I didn't create the website. They hired
me. It's CitySearch. It's in twenty or so cities across the world.
I'm the music editor in New York City. It's my job. Maybe you'll
have one someday.
Two, I'm a little horrified at how many of you are wasting your
time and effort on lil' old me and the rather inconsequential
issue of the Beastie Boys. You have your opinion, I have mine,
neither of us is right or wrong because it's all a matter of personal
taste. I'm sick of squabbling with all of you and amazed that
this is such a crucial issue for you kids. Isn't there anything
more important in your lives? You want to spam and protest and
voice your outrage, chow down on this:
[enclosed online petition against the militant Christians picketing
Matthew Shepard's funeral]
Oh, and "YOU ARE WEIRD"--I'm very hurt.
From:
MONeill
YOU ARE REALLY WEIRD
From: Miracle69
You are a great theorist and a fine human being. You started it
off with enough sour taste to make me, the most anti-Tibet
person around, drop my jaw. You hit every wrong point about the
Beasties in 1998. The only thing I would have done different is
i would have moved the over exposure bit to the middle. You don't
wanna start off with that cause people will be like, so what they
got a new album out now, they deserve it. Yeah i see why you started
it off that way but you could have dissed the album first and
then attacked the exposure.
I'm glad you touched on Yauch specifically. People forget the
lunatic who shoved his hands down the pants of a fifteen year
old he didnt even know. I loved that man then and now he's a sad
cliche. The Starbucks thing was funny but you gotta admit dissing
it in your article is about as trite as Mike dissing the GAP.
One shitty part of Adrock today is how meloncholy he is nowadays.
"OH my mom and best friend are dead feel sorry for me" The shit
happened ten years ago and yes he's the same asshole he's always
been. He's the same mean asshole is what I mean, with a short
temper.
I'm glad you touched on Mike D's eccentrism now also. Do you really
believe Screech is his younger bro? You dont gotta answer that
but I think in the newest RS interview it said that mike has two
older bro's. Maybe it doesn't but still you'd think they'd get
together and hook something up. Plus, Adam
Sandler gave Mike D props on What The Hell Happened to Me
and they still havent done somthing creatively. I brought the
point up with Yauch and he was like, "isn't he a comedian though?"
and I started to say, "yeah but so are you guys-" and then i came
back with, well you used to be anyways. Then I asked about a few
points from LTI that remained unclear such as how to actually
do the patty duke
and then moved into the actual amount of dust smoking that was
going on and he was like, "man it was all a joke" so i said, yeah
but it was a funny joke.
Yauch pisses me off with his I DON'T KNOW shite. IF he don't know
shouldn't he shut the fuck up all ready? Anyway, I had to rant
too, hey I'm proud of you buddy. I'm gonna go read your other
stuff. Good work.
Lissa
Responds:
Thanks. I don't know who spammed the Grand
Royal list with this, but they sure gave me an amusing Friday.
I wrote this months ago and got lots of response in the same vein
as yours, then all these kids who should've been doing their homework
showed up. I'm thinking of publishing their responses, actually.
They range from the inane to the unnervingly intolerant for the
most part.
Good point about putting the overexposure later. That would've
been a better idea… I know Screech isn't D's brother but you know
he'd deny it even if he was. And I was trying to indicate that
people shouldn't have been taking the whole thing so seriously.
It's kinda sad, all of it, really. I mean, sure you can get older,
you can settle down and, sure, pawing 15-year olds and setting
shit on fire may drop off your list of preferred activities but,
Jesus, you've got to remember to lighten up every now and then.
Especially when you're encouraging legions of American teenagers
to be humorless whiny brats. Anyway, it's nice to hear from someone
who can spell and write a complete sentence. A shot of fine Scotch
to you, amigo.
From:
Tadlock
You know what bitch? What the hell do you know?! You sound like
some kid who just found out that the fonze
was just a character played by henry winkler! You also sound pretty
jeleous of them! What the fuck does who they sign to their label
have to do with them as a band? Or anything you've written for
that matter?? Everything you speak of is completely irrelevant
to their musical talent. If you don't like them, fine- give them
a bad review or something (like it will ever be read anyway).
But there's no reason to bad mouth them just cause now that they
finally have another album out they're getting more publicity
than your favorite band (probably U2 like everyone else).
By the way in aren't you just the epidimy of one of these "fall
into line"-ers that you speak of? You're favorite album is pauls
boutique? BOY that's original for a non-beastie fan! Thanks for
the input but it wasn't worth the "virtual paper" it was written
on. I'm sure the boys will ask you how to 'flow' properly next
time. And congratulations on reading the spin artical! I enjoyed
re-reading it very much! Helpfull hint: When trashing a band,
try to keep at least MOST of your arguments music related. I know
you want a chance to hang out with the monks too, but we can't
always get what we want.
"So what if I'm a ham and cheese on rye?!" "I gotta do my thing
and that's no lie!"
-Beastie Boys: Hello Nasty
Lissa tries to think of anyone who listens
to U2 anymore. Can't. Responds:
Another kid with nothing better to cry about
than big bad me abusing those helpless
little Beastie Boys. You're upset someone doesn't agree with
you. Haven't you ever gotten sick of being spammed by every magazine
and TV show about something and bitched about it for shits and
grins? Get over it. Move on....
And
I'm not "jeleous." That's just what your mom tells you
when you ask her why none of the other kids like you.
From: Tadlock (cc: Grand Royal mailing list)
HAHAHA! BACK AT YOU, STUPID!!!
From:
Miracle69 (cc: as well)
Ya know what tadlock? Her article made a lot of sense and made
more points than this post to the list that you made. Didn't you
see where she said she loved the Beastie Boys? Thats what journalists
call disclaimers. They say that this way readers who pay attention
(obviously not you) to what the writer is claiming don't get confused
into thinking that he/she is trying to ruin the rep of the band
in specific. If you read her points you'd see that it wasn't an
album review. She merely used the album as an example of how the
Beasties have gone from ILL to Nasty in a bad way. All of her
other points are of subrelevence.
Oh and by the way, I think it's kind of funny the way she dissed
Bis, Buff Daughter, Ben Lee and any of the other annoying acts
Mike has signed in the last four years or so. Mike's taste is
a reflection of what's in store for Beastie Boys fans. She just
pointed out the obvious
MrPink91
(also cc:)
And I must point out that Cibo
Matto isn't on Grand Royal....not that that really matters...but
yeah.
From:
dolphinsplash
Are Dustin and Mike REALLY brothers? How do you know?
Lissa Responds:
A little bird told me. It also told me something
about Helter
Skelter and killing the pigs. They both deny it, but I think
the photographic evidence is irrefutable (ha ha)…
From: ilyuvid14
i hate you if you hate the beastie boys, so fuck off man
Lissa
says a silent prayer for a world that will one day be run by kids
who are ready to commit homicide over a difference in musical
taste and responds:
It's nice to
know that you're so clear in your viewpoints. Am I to assume you
also automatically hate blacks, Jews, gays, Republicans, Polish
people, people who like the color green, people who spit when
they talk, and any and all other people whose opinions and actions
are divergent from yours? It's people like you, who know that
some of us are instantly and automatically evil, that make the
world a better place. I salute you!
Now go do your homework.
From:
BeastieProfBooty
You stupid fucking dirtbag bitch. Who the fuck made you the almighty
judge over the Beastie Boys? If you're going to dis them, at least
gather some legitimate evidence you fuckin whore. (No, Dustin
Diamond isn't Mike D's brother you pussy craving lesbo). God,
it's douchebag bitches like you that prevent women from getting
anywhere in this world. Suck a cock, ho.
Lissa
thanks God that this kid is probably too much of a wuss to fullfill
his destiny as a wifebeater and responds:
It's good to know that Beastie Boys fans
are such tolerant, open-minded, kind people who understand that
the world is a large place, full of many people, all of whom hold
many divergent opinions and should be allowed to express them
freely in the spirit of discourse. I know the Beasties would be
proud of your little outburst.
Now, listen you little homophobic, racist, misogynist, teenaged
Midwestern fuck, go do your homework. I take it that you have
a miniscule penis and a serious acne problem, which is why you
hate and fear women and spend all your time on the internet. And
from there you can spew your obscene, vicious little tantrums
without getting your hateful scrawny ass beaten into the ground.
From:
BeastieProfBooty
A well written response to my juvenile, pre-pubescent outburst!
Sarcasm aside for a moment, I do indeed respect that and acknowledge
your well-honed writing style. I at first expected a fiery, grammatical-error
ridden backlash, yet was pleasantly surprised by what I would
classify as quite the impressively composed letter. Your strike
was swift, strong, and deadly. I especially liked the "midwestern
teen" touch; it exemplifies the typical postule popping adolescent.
You're quite intriguing, an enigma in many aspects. From your
original article that I read, I expected much less. Opinions are
fine, but saying that a band sucks and listing evidence is propoganda.
Why must you have such a problem with the fact that the BBoys
are no longer the beer swilling, riot inciting hoodlums of the
80's? By the way, that entire image was conjured up by Rick
Rubin, their former producer. Notice how when Mario C. stepped
on board they acquired a consistent image?-that's the real Beastie
Boys. Some of your arguments made sense, but others were just
plain irrational and thus irritating (i.e. Screech is Mike D's
brother).
Oh, and for the love of God, get your facts straight before you
go circulating something. That's what got me particularly pissed
off; your nonchalant, bullshit attitude in the letter. Your writing
is most noteworthy, just don't wield it so haphazardly.
Love,
Your Internet Obsessed, Skin Diseased #1 Fan
Lissa
pauses, wonders if this person's ever been hospitalized for their
schizophrenia, or if it's just an outpatient thing. Decides not
to write back.
From:
PimpDa00
if u are the real ian rodgers who works on the b-boys website
and toured w/ them in 98, u are a fucking loser. how can u write
all this bad bullshit about the best band of all time. their "jazz
songs" on hello nasty, aren't all that long like u seem to think
they are and they're pretty good songs. u should respect yauch's
choices about life. he's grown alot since the 80's and how many
30 year olds do u know that go around shooting cars and egging
people. it was cool when he was a kid, but he's an adult now.
so peace out motherfucker.
Lissa
Responds:
1.
My name's not Ian. I don't work for the Beastie Boys in any way,
shape or form, never have, never will. However, the Grand Royal
people like to hunt up any non-Beastie material and put it on
their mailing list so you kids have something to get yourself
worked up over.
2.
The Beastie Boys are not the best band of all time, an assertion
I'm sure they themselves would agree with. I'm guesing "all time"
for you, my little groundling, means since 1995.
3. None
of you kids seem to possess anything remotely resembling a sense
of humor.
4. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Everyone is entitled to express their opinion. Surprising how
many of you supposedly socially conscious, open-minded Beastie
fans posess all the tolerance of a middle-aged, Midwestern, born-again
Christian NRA member.
5. I'm sure that you, Mr. PimpDa, have some homework to do, and
you mother doesn't want you surfing the net this late. Not to
mention using the word "motherfucker." Now be a nice little boy
and go to your room.
From:
PimpDa00
yo hoe. first of all, i know everyone has their own opinion, and
my opinion is that ur a hypocrite for saying that the b-boys act
like they're "holier than thou" and then u write an ignorant articule
saying how they suck. 2nd of all, i can take a joke, but that
articule wasn't funny in any way except for mike d. denying his
heritage. 3rd, i know that u probably think that i'm some kid
who likes everything he hears on the radio and wears Gap clothes.
but ur wrong. 4th, i listen to alot of music. i listen to the
Beatles, Korn, phish, jon spencer blues explosion, bob marley,
minor threat, the pixies, beck, G. Love and special sauce and
hundreds of other kick ass bands, and after hours of listening
i've determined that the b-boys are the best band of all time.
i used to like the Doors the best, but they were put down by the
Beasties. and 5th, my mom doesn't really care what kind of language
i use, i'm in my room w/ the computer i bought w/ my own money
that i worked my ass off to make, and i'm 16. so c-you later and
think before u speak.
Lissa
Responds:
Whatever.
From:
JtCann
Hello, Dustin Diamond is in no way related to Mike D. Screech
was born and raised in California, Mike D is from New York. I
don't know what sort of Editorial writer you are that puts false
information in one of your articles but I guess your not exactly
writing for the Times now are you?
Lissa
Responds:
Everyone knows they're not related. It was a joke. Silly article.
Silly pictures. Humor. Ha ha. Get it?
From:
Lewdichris
Hey.... I Just read your artical about the B - Boys and want to
say that .. . .. . . Hmmm . . .. You are the TRUE POO-POO ! That
was the best beastie artical Ive read in AGES ! ! ! ! ! I LOVE
the artical and the Unstopable Three have been my favorate band
for a hell of a long time . . . wether or not I agree with it
all. . . .. Its Damm Good to see a trueBlue Review . . . instead
of the same Run of The Mill Crap everybody writes about them .
. . \ It was funny as Hell and as much as I wanted to hate your
writings and disagre with it. . .. When your right .. . . . Your
Frickin Right !! ! ! And madam. . . YOU ARE DEAD ON BALLS CORRECT
! ! ! ! Keep up the good work ! ! ! ! ! By the way . . . .. Im
not sure constantly write good articals. . . . .this one was forwarded
to me by a friend . . . .
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