Music
August 30,1999
CitySearch Music!



Because Everyone Loves Horoscopes!

...and because I've got nothing else for you today, ladies and gentlemen, I give you one of my intermittent readings of the signs and portents as written in the heavens. Why? Well, with the eclipse on August 12, things were supposedly thrown into an astrological frenzy—and I believe it. No shit: Within the following week, I'd counseled those who were questioning their sexuality, had cheated on their boyfriends, were contemplating leaving town, were no longer speaking to close friends or just felt "all empty inside." It was fucking Armageddon and had me ready to grind out an entire pack of Lucky Strikes into my arm by the time the liquor stores closed on Saturday night. So, in an effort to make sense of it all, and in hopes that brighter times lie ahead, I give you the stars as read at the bottom of my glass. Enjoy...

Aries
Ah, Aries, the most endearing and most annoying of the signs. Aries, perhaps not so much born to lead as born to have other people follow. Aries, who always wants to get there first, who always seeks the new source of adoration and who never wants to be told what to do. Any wonder that Aries is the sign of the diva: Dusty Springfield, Billie Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Bessie Smith, Astrud Gilberto and William Shatner...of course there are also those Aries who only think they're divas, i.e., Celine Dion, Posh Spice, Carmen Electra and Bobby Vinton. Again, the endearing and the maddening all at once. And they have Christopher Walken.
What's Ahead: Sure, for the last few weeks you've been able to talk the stars out of the sky, hell, even a junkie out of his stash. But nothing is free, even for an Aries, and here's where you've gotta give back: Take care of other people for a change, whether as scoutmaster or as cheerleader and give a little support to those who always let you have your way. If you're looking for one-on-one love (OK, maybe even two-on-one), this weekend may provide just what you're seeking, as your natural charm will combine with a little divine intervention. Just make sure you don't spend too much money on pricey cocktails or prize orchids while in pursuit—it won't make any difference except in your wallet.

Taurus
Taurus: obstinate, fond of stability and space to think, hates synthetic fabrics and being rushed. Taurus' determination and iron will can make an empire-builder like Duke Ellington, Master P—who shares an April 29 birthday with the Duke—or Eva Peron. But it can also make an equally determined loon, such as Sid Vicious or Dennis Hopper. Or you can combine both aspects and get the biggest Taurus of them all, Mr. T.—who's back from life-threatening illness with his new book "Cancer Ain't for No Sissies." (I kid you not.)
What's Ahead: So, what's up with you? Cheer up little bullish one, for a white Cadillac is being driven up Fifth Avenue by whatever flavor of beach bunny you choose, chock full of good things, all of them just for you. Now, isn't that what you wanted to hear? Your serious-minded bent will be tempered by a flurry of activity, whether it's goofing off in a disco or working for a cause. Make sure to take time out though, for yourself and, more importantly, the people you like best—let them add a little love to all the good things Taurus is gettin'.

Gemini
Ah, the quick-witted, two-faced one. Sign of glamorous, groundbreaking maternal figures like Josephine Baker and Lauryn Hill, as well as randy gentlemen such as Prince and Tom Jones (both born on June 7—wonder if that had anything to do with Tom's "Kiss" cover). For every Curtis Mayfield, Suzi Quatro and Morrissey, there's a Lenny Kravitz, Alanis Morissette and Jewel. Only a Gemini can paint himself as the soul of compassion while being totally self-centered, but only a Gemini will dress up in gold lame and ride a motorbike at the Folies Bergere to support a dozen adopted kids. (OK, a Scorpio might do that do, but...)
What's Ahead: In the next week or so, try to keep your dark side in check: You're liable to insult or upset people close to you and this time, "Oh, I'm a Gemini, that's just my bad side," won't cut it. On the flipside, don't overreact if you feel slighted or put down by those around you—they didn't mean it. Oh, here I am telling a Gemini to keep a level head. Silly me. Still, try to get your house in order and maybe tie yourself to the mast: You may soon start to feel the urge to crash and burn. But, if you want something to look forward to, this is an excellent week for you to go shopping.

Cancer
Cancer: the crab. Why? Because it has a shell, not to mention that it is often crabby. Cancers like being at home, surrounded by people and things they love; they need to feel secure (if you know anyone who's always hungry, chances are they're a Cancer). Even Cancers who seem to be wild and unstable—Johnny Thunders, Hunter S. Thompson, Lil' Kim—often find that security in an unshakable sense of self (it's still their shell and they can still take it wherever they like). Still, Cancers can turn on you with those claws: Their sentimentality can become possessiveness, their love of their home turf can set off a border war. The sign of Cancer is responsible for John Tesh and several of my ex-boyfriends. I rest my case.
What's Ahead: It's a time of rebirth for Cancer: If there's something you've been wanting to do or change, now is the time. The forces are massed: The strength inside (the portable home you've got) and the support and assistance from outside (the family and friends around you). Let go of past mistakes, be they yours or someone else's, and prepare to boldly go where no one has gone before. (Well, where at least you haven't gone before, OK?). Also: Whether it's socially, romantically or even career-wise, you'll do better at everything once the sun sets. That's right: Not only do the freaks come out at night but, now, you too.

Leo
Madonna and Mick Jagger are Leos. Whitney Houston, with her endless vocal showboating and ugly "look at my ho self" wardrobe, is a Leo. Patrick Ewing and his refusal to give up his central position in the Knicks offense is a Leo. Leos have a mystic power over the center of attention: Even if they don't direct the spotlight on themselves, you get the feeling they're controlling where the damn thing will go next. Of course, Leos can use their powers for good. Isaac Hayes, who's taken us from "Shaft" to Chef and back again, is a Leo. Count Basie—not only a great bandleader and composer, but fine collaborator and never afraid to let the sideman shine—was a Leo. John Lee Hooker and Joe Strummer are Leos.
What's Ahead: There's been a lot of distractions recently, and they have you on edge. Before you throw a fit, try just drawing a line in the sand, state where you stand and refuse to put up with it anymore. Besides, you don't have time for this shit: You're soon to get buried in your work, though not necessarily in a bad way. If you don't let yourself get overwhelmed, you can get everything done. Socially, your ability to turn strangers into pals is running at a high—get out there, shake some hands and make some friends. You'll be doing both yourself and the rest of the world a service.

Virgo
Detail-oriented. Logical. Industrious and efficient. Some people think Virgos are repressed, but that's not the case: They're just modest. Besides, how repressed can a sign that covers Barry White, Joan Jett and Pee Wee Herman be? Virgo could also be called the sign of the sax player: Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Sonny Rollins and Ray Charles—yes, Brother Ray could play the sax too—are all Virgos. And, behind that reserved exterior, Virgos got nothin' but love for most people (again, ask Mr. White or perhaps Julio Iglesias)—that's why they try so hard to make everything they do perfect.
What's Ahead: Let me level with you: Right now is probably not the best time to be a Virgo. Issues you thought dead seem to be coming back to life in a disturbing and Cher-like manner. People seem to be clamoring for help and attention all around you. Worst of all, you're having trouble concentrating: Delays, obstacles and all kinds of what Robert Johnson (a Taurus, but so what) called "stones in my pathway" abound. But try to focus, try not to get distracted: As George Bush (a Gemini, but you don't want him on your team anyway) said: "Stay the course"—you won't feel this way for long.

Libra
Libras like to be known by one name: Usher, Flea, Eminem, Divine, Meatloaf. It's part of that creative, stylish persona they try to cultivate—even when a Libra seems crude, it's all part of a carefully thought-out and balanced effect. (When Divine had to eat dog shit in "Pink Flamingos," she spent days preparing the turd, wrapping the gift box, choosing the right shade of lipstick...) And Librans are happiest when paired up (that scales thing again), whether it be a business, artistic or romantic partnership. Still, their desire to make all things equal and harmonic can turn Libra into a purveyor of pablum: Think Olivia Newton-John, Marie Osmond, Sting and Will Smith.
What's Ahead: Virgo's current eye of the storm seems to be blowing a few gusts down your alley as well—you feel pressed for time and plans for travel or closer-to-home socializing remain distressingly up in the air. This may make you brusque and impatient with others but, if you handle them more gently, they may calm you a bit and even lend a hand. And you have the weekend to look forward to, when you can turn into a brightly colored social butterfly, whether in large or small groups.

Scorpio
I once read somewhere that "most Scorpios are murdered," and there is ample reason for this. The sign of Scorpio is to blame for musical schlockmeisters Yanni and Puff Daddy (both November 4) and tedious moppets like Meg Ryan, Kerri Strug and those damned McCaughy septuplets (all nine of them born on November 19). Rather less wussily, Scorpio includes Charles Manson, Clyde Barrow, and the Jonestown Massacre, as well as society-bashers from Martin Luther to Dennis Miller. Scorpios are determined, secretive and live in a black-and-white world, with few shades of gray (appropriate to the sign of Felix the Cat and Mickey Mouse). Only Leos have more creepy power over others than Scorpios, and the scariest monster they've come up with is Marilyn Quayle.
What's Ahead: Storm and stress are roiling about, but step back, take a moment and don't let yourself get riled over that which is beneath you—especially at night, when you'll be particularly volatile (and no, the stars don't tell me whether or not brown liquor has anything to do with it). If you have any doubts, trust your intuition and your subterranean store of secrets—not your temper or your pride. Figures from your past will return, but what you first may mistake for threatening gestures are actually supplications and apologies. After all, it's never too late to tell a Scorpio you're sorry.

Sagittarius
Saggitarians are truth-seekers, road-ramblers and hell-raisers who are never afraid to tell you what they think. Their proudest representatives of this adventuring archetype being R.L. Burnside, Tom Waits, Tina Turner, Ozzy Osbourne and Redd Foxx. Then, of course, there are those Saggitarians who go their own way a bit too far (and also lie a little too close to the cusp of Scorpio), like Ted Bundy and Richard Speck. Saggitarians are unafraid to wave their opinions like a red flag and are great fans of arguing for the sake of arguing.
What's Ahead: Oh, it's good to be you this week, isn't it? Even more full of energy than usual, you are a force to be reckoned with right now. You may be obnoxious, but you will get your way. Superiors and other influential people will notice your fierceness and say, "Who is that fabulous creature?" Still, don't waste all this energy and power: Channel it into furthering your goals and ambitions instead of wallwoing in it like a bubble bath and you'll come out ahead.

Capricorn
Capricorn is the sign of the strong woman and the, uh, not-so-tough man. Evidence: Janis Joplin, Ava Gardner, Mary J. Blige and Marlene Dietrich versus Ricky Martin, Davy Jones, Michael Stipe and Marilyn Manson. Capricorns tend to waft a hedonistic surface over their innate discipline and drive to work hard. A Capricorn can be rolling on the bed giggling in a drug-addled stupor one minute, and then suddenly jump up and organize a formal dinner for 20 or a $50,000 film shoot. Like many other signs (Aries, Leo, Scorpio), they want to be the top dog but, unlike most others, they're willing to work for it.
What's Ahead: That inner turmoil you feel? It's just power, waiting to be used. Still, don't rush into wielding it. You need downtime, a bit of serenity to channel these forces—don't doubt yourself or what you can do, but don't approach it haphazardly either. A big decision looms on the horizon and, whether 'tis a physical or spiritual change, you're more than ready for it if you take your time.

Aquarius
Few people do their own thing like an Aquarius—sign of individualists like soul queen Irma Thomas, punk king John Lydon, mythical bluesman Leadbelly, devil-may-care bombshell Mamie Van Doren and, um, Yoko Ono. Aquarians are rife with new ideas (usually more than they can keep in their heads at once) and new outlooks. No matter how many people say it can't be done, an Aquarius won't listen. They don't care and, anyway, they don't have time. This sort of carelessness is sometimes mistaken for flighty callousness, but Aquarians have big hearts and humanitarian spirits—they just sometimes need to be reminded. Note: If a boy has spent more than 15% of his life on a skateboard, he's an Aquarius.
What's Ahead: You probably don't need to be told to do this, but maybe you need to be reminded: Get rid of what makes you unhappy. You're not a follower or a clinger, but this could be a time for you to seek out the advice on some big changes in your life. Also, this week normally loner Aquarians will find themselves surrounded by company—whether it's romantic, social or collaborating on a project—and loving it. Coming soon: a miracle.

Pisces
Pisces often live in a world of their own creation: a good thing if you're Johnny Cash, Sharon Stone or Brian Jones; a bad thing if you're Michael Bolton, Tammy Faye Baker or Lawrence Welk. Pisces are renowned for their sensitivity, but they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves, and will often submerge their spirituality in work or personal relationships. Pisceans also become cynical very easily, although they can often find their way back to their initial compassionate natures. Interesting aside: Arch-enemies Pat Riley and Spike Lee both share a March 20 birthday.
What's Ahead: Time to rise to the surface, Pisces, you've been doing a lot of complaining lately, but not doing anything besides that. Time for you to step up, make a change and try to be the hero for once. Failing to do so will not only perpetuate this unpleasant status quo, but possibly cause even more of a downward slide, one you may not have another chance to stop. It's a prime time for teamwork, partnership and contributing to the world at large: Remember, it's not what you have, but who you share it with.


Previously:

Mr. Diva Rates the Boy Toys: Passing judgement on recent efforts by boy-band survivors Robbie Williams (Take That), Joey McIntyre (NKOTB), and, of course, Ricky Martin (Menudo).

Free Summer Music.

Mr. Diva does the Oscars.

The Latest Frauds: Sticking it to Eminem and the New Radicals.

Don't Stop the Rock: Two weeks and 20 bands, including Black Sabbath, Rocket from the Crypt, Groop Dogdrill, Jungle Brothers, the Arsonists, Cibo Matto, Cold Crush Brothers, Supernatural, and many, many more.

Valentines Day Music: "Love Is in the Air," "Love Is All Around," "Love Stinks"....

Ask Mr. Diva: En Vogue, Mariah Carey, "When Does a Queen Relinquish Her Right to the Feminine," and the Greatest Drag Queen of All Time.

The Empire Strikes Back: LTR Does Battle With Vengeful Beastie Fans.

I Came I Saw, I Wondered Why I Bothered: The CMJ Wrapup Rant.

The Looming Menace of CMJ (Festival Preview).

Ask Mr. Diva: The Backstreet Boys, Bette Davis, and "Do You Have to Be a Bitch to Be a Queen?"

17 Reasons Why The Beastie Boys Are Wack!

North By Northwest (Not the Movie).

Ask Mr. Diva: The Divahood of Bette Midler, Marilyn Manson, and Lil' Kim, as well as the Secret Disco History of Barbra Streisand.

Dead Elvis: Munching The King's Corpse.

Fear of a Black Planet: The Goth Revival.

Horoscopes for the Week of July 20.

Spice Girls Review, Fourth of July Disasters, an Obscene Love Triangle, and All-Star Hope for our Nation's Future.

Brooklyn Hip Hop, Detroit Techno, Mermaids, Zombies, Lounge Singers, the "Wonderboy Preacher," and Lots of Full Frontal Nudity.

Horoscopes for the Week of June 22.

Courtney Love Sucks and Just a Few of the Reasons Why.

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, the Lounge Lizards, and Afrika Bambataa & the SoulSonic Force.

The Legendary Ginger Spice Rant!

Frank Sinatra & Ava Gardner.



 


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